To date I have attended 2 x online birthday parties, an online hen do, an online baby shower, various online meetings, numerous online girls’ nights and who knows how many online pub quizzes. I just need to attend an online wedding and I’ve got a full house!
Here are the 8 different types of people you will encounter on an online call. Which type of caller are you? FYI – I can relate to the first 5.
1. The Background and Filter Fan
We’ve all had to endure watching someone go through every single Zoom background or Facebook filter. This type of caller apparently finds nothing more hilarious than seeing their face turned into a slice of pizza. You just have to humour them. “I could see you as an astronaut actually.” “Ooh lucky you on holiday!” “Omg your face is actually in the ice cubes too!” But there is a limit. “No, please don’t put the foot filter on again” (that’s me not sleeping tonight).
2. The Drinker
Never seen without a glass of wine in their hand. Don’t ask them what time it is because they will simply say that it’s “5 o’clock somewhere!” The glass seems to magically refill despite you having no recollection of seeing them pour another glass. These people tend to be the last to leave an online call because “it’s not even midnight yet!” They love nothing better than holding their glass to the camera and shouting “Cheers! Clink!”
3. The Serial Snacker
There’s no hope of being able to exercise any snacking self-control after being made to watch your snack happy friend devour what just so happens to be a selection of your all-time favourite sweets, crisps and chocolate. It’s really hard to pay attention to what they are saying as you watch them munch through a packet of hobnobs with your mouth watering. The “do you want one?” joke has really started to wear thin. A video call with a serial snacker will always result in you raiding your own cupboards and complaining that you never have anything good in (even though you do the food shop).
4. The Struggler
No matter what set up they attempt with their tablet or phone, you can only see the top of their head. They can’t understand why everyone else looks so clear and they look so grainy. They look like they are sat in the dark despite having turned all the lights on. They don’t know how to set up their view so they can see everyone else on the call and they don’t seem to have the same options as everyone else. They will invariably knock their phone/tablet over or they will drop it trying to get a better angle of themself. They still can’t remember how to leave a call despite having done it 100 times before.
5. The Over Sharer
This person likes to get up close and personal and talk as close to the screen as possible. They aren’t shy about showing you their new spot, bruise or ingrowing hair no matter where it is on their body. They will happily sit throughout an entire call braless or in their pants. You can usually see a clothes horse full of wet washing in the background. They will also happily flip the screen and take you on a tour of their house – cue the Benny Hill music and cue the travel sickness.
6. The Long-Suffering Mum
Cannot seem to be left alone in peace for 5 minutes and spends the majority of the call being harassed by her family and subsequently apologising to you. Small children loom into shot with terrifying smiles. Mum doesn’t need a gin and tonic with you on Zoom, mum needs a 2-week vacation.
7. The Phone Addict
They are happy to let everyone else in their friendship group do the talking while they seem to stare at their phone. What are they reading? What are they concentrating so hard on? Are they even listening to a word we’re saying?! We will never know.
8. The Cool Cucumber
Never has any technical problems at their end and appears on screen in HD quality looking completely relaxed. They don’t seem to have acquired any bad eating or drinking habits and their house looks completely spotless. They look really good too, is that make up they’ve got on?