19/07/2019 Every Woman on Holiday

Speaking from experience…


Day 1

– Unpack all your holiday clothes with excitement. Change into new swimwear to go down to the pool. Feel very pleased with oneself and actually pretty body confident for a change!

– Photo shoot by the pool as standard. Smugly upload all photos to Instagram stories.

– Return to room to allow an hour to get ready for evening meal. 2 hours later and preened to within an inch of your life, trot down to buffet as if ready for a ball.

– Eyes prove bigger than belly and end up uncomfortably bloated by 9PM and ready for lie down on bed. Force yourself to have a few compulsory after dinner drinks. Return to room early doors feeling effort spent getting ready was slightly wasted.


Day 2

– When debating what outfit to wear, decide to adopt system of wearing tighter clothing at the start of the holiday, sensibly saving comfier ensembles for nearer the end of the week to allow for weight gain. Become alarmed that first day outfit choice feels tighter than it should due to last night’s buffet banquet.

– Attempt to straighten hair and apply natural makeup for first day out. End up having to spend 15 minutes on the balcony trying to cool off.

– Head out for the day after laborious sun cream application. Humidity ruins hair within 10 minutes. Heat ruins make up in 5.

– Get dressed for the evening. Roughly dry hair, skip the hair straightening and skip the makeup.


Day 3

– Wake up still full from the night before. Vow to be more conservative at the buffet from now on.

– Brush teeth, hair and apply sun cream. Ditch all other ablutions.

– Choose most comfortable outfit available for evening meal.

– Ignore vow made previously in the day regarding the buffet. End up fuller than the previous night.


Day 4

– Start comparing your tan to everyone else’s tan with confusion. Why does/do your other half/family/friends look like they have had 2 weeks in the Bahamas and you look like you’ve had a day at Bridlington?

– Time for more sunbathing. Realise you have 4 bites on your legs.

– Do 5 lengths in pool and feel proud of yourself for still working on your fitness whilst on holiday. Body is a temple. Will not stuff self silly at dinner tonight.

– OMG they have something new at the buffet!!!


Day 5

– Realise you have run out of all loose-fitting outfits.

– Feet are now suffering from sightseeing in sandals and flat pumps.

– Bites on legs have become itchy.

– Find out solution to feeling bloated is lying in the horizontal position with an aperol spritz.

Day 6

– Makeup bag and straighteners have not been touched in days. Decide the next time you go on holiday you won’t bother taking them.

– Quickly decide that would be ridiculous and if there’s enough room in your case you may as well bring them just in case you need them.

– Realise despite packing for 2 weeks (even though only away for 1 week) you have nearly run out of clothes due to multiple outfit changes every day. Make note to self that if there’s room in the case should also pack more clothes.

– Make note to self to buy a bigger case for next holiday.


Day 7

– Decide to look back over all photos taken in the past week. Start scrutinizing how you look in each photo and mentally bookmarking best photos for holiday album.

– Demand to see other half’s/family’s/friend’s photos. Tell them if they post THAT photo to social media, they risk pain of death.

– Ditch pointless pre-dinner, ‘I will behave at the buffet tonight,’ mantra in favour of, ‘It’s my last night and I’m going to make the most of it,’ vow.

– Pledge that a detox will however start next Monday when back home.